About the film (courtesy of Universal Pictures):
A former major league baseball player is forced into early retirement by a degenerative illness. He moves into a new home with his concerned wife, teenage daughter and young son. Secretly hoping, against the odds, to return to pro ball, He persuades his wife that the new home’s shimmering backyard swimming pool will be fun for the kids and provide physical therapy for him. But a dark secret in the home’s past will unleash a malevolent force that will drag the family under, into the depths of inescapable terror.
Hey, there’s something not right with this pool. Maybe we shouldn’t get in it again. The end. I just saved you 98 minutes and a few more reading this review. Not convinced? Okay, let’s proceed…
Night Swim isn’t just bad, it’s about as exciting as a puddle party in your kid’s inflatable pool. This Blumhouse flick tries to tread water in the familiar pool of haunted house tropes, but ends up gasping for air with every predictable jump scare and tired narrative.
Plot Holes the Size of Olympians: The story itself is riddled with more holes than a pool noodle factory leak. Characters make ludicrous decisions, leaving you screaming at the screen like a frustrated lifeguard. “Don’t go in the dark alone!” you yell, but they just shrug and cannonball into the murky depths of stupidity anyway.
Jumpscares That Jump the Shark: Remember that creepy doll from the last 10 horror movies? Yeah, it’s here too, albeit in the form of a little toy boat, along with every other creaky door and flickering light bulb in the genre’s handbook. The scares are about as original as a floaties rental stand, and even then, they’re probably less inflatable.
Acting That Sinks Like a Stone: The performances are about as convincing as a rubber duck claiming to be a lifeguard. The lines are delivered with all the enthusiasm of a pool cleaner on a Monday morning at a by-the-hour motel, and the character development is shallower than the kiddie pool.
Special Effects That Make You Want to Special-Exit: The CGI looks like it was rendered on a Commodore 64 after a tequila shot. The “evil entity” is about as frightening as a waterlogged pool noodle, and the underwater sequences are so muddy and dark, you’ll spend half the movie squinting just to see what’s supposed to be scary.
The Only Thing Drowning is My Time: In the end, Night Swim is a cinematic sinkhole that drains your patience and leaves you gasping for something, anything, more interesting. Skip this chlorine-soaked snoozefest and take a dip in a real pool – you’ll have a better time splashing around with the kids than enduring this watery dud. Seriously though, with the lone exception of M3GAN (2023), released last year, the previous decade’s track record for first-week-of-the-year (usually thriller/horror) theatrical releases has been horrific.
So, do yourself a favor, grab a towel and avoid this cinematic slip-and-slide. Unless you enjoy watching paint dry in a dimly lit basement, that is. You can see Night Swim in theaters, even though I’m begging you not to, starting Friday, January 5th.
